I Can't Love My Stepchildren

A blended family is one with any combination of his, hers, and ours. I have a blended family. I read a statistic that seventy six percent of blended families fail before five years. I have read a lot more information that explains why. Most of what I read has some common themes; it's normal to feel animosity toward your stepchildren and their mother. You didn't marry your stepchildren. You married your husband and that is where your commitment is, and my favorite - you will never love your stepchildren as much as your own children.




I can't understand how to give your heart and commitment to a man without giving the same to his children. I expected no less for me and my children. I had written this in response to what I have read:


If I could only say two words about being a stepmother it would be LOVE THEM. Don't wait until they accept you before you love them. Just love them. Don't wait until their mother accepts you. Just love them. Don't wait until you and your husband agree on everything. Love them.


None of it is easy but it doesn't have to be hard, either. Understand that they see another woman coming into their dad's life and they have no idea what that means for them. You are taking a place that they only saw their mother in. It doesn't fit or make sense. They don't know what that means for them. If you have kids, are they going to lose their dad to a new family? They aren't making this choice. They are thrown into it. They don't have the maturity to understand how to deal with their fears and their emotions. If you don't know how to deal with yours, you aren't ready for this challenge. You are making the choice. You are making the decision. Whatever emotions you feel, and you will, you have to understand that they are separate from the children you are taking on. You have to show them that their family life with their dad will be different but it will be good. You have to treat them as part of this new family and not as a visitor to your home. They need to feel that they are coming home and see that you are happy they are there.


Do you believe that you can't love your stepchildren as much as your own? That is true as long as you close your mind to the idea of loving them as much. That closed minded belief will cost you in all the joy and blessings that come from feeling that overwhelming, unconditional love.


Does it feel like a betrayal to your biological children? That isn't true. You are taking something away from your children when you can't open yourself up to love your stepchildren. You are teaching them there are restrictions to love. You are showing them that there are rules to who you can love and how much. Don't short change them. Let them learn to love fully. There is so much reward in seeing the deep sibling love between your children and your stepchildren; when your children feel no need to use qualifiers to describe their brothers and sisters and they are simply brothers and sisters.


Don't try to compete with their mother. That is their mother. Honor, respect, and appreciate their relationship. Don't diminish your own relationship with your stepchildren because they have a mother. Your relationship is separate.


Just because you don't agree with everything their mother does, it doesn't make her wrong. Your stepchildren are fortunate to have different perspectives and, as long as they are loved, they will grow with the perspectives and so will you. Don't try to replace their mom but do love them and treat them as your own children. They deserve that. They will learn to trust you when they see that your love and relationship with them is because of them and not dependent on your relationship with their dad. What would it feel like to only be loved because the woman is married to your dad? How could they trust that?


If you want to hold back because you are afraid you may step on their mom's toes, let go and do what your heart tells you to do. You may step on their mom's toes. As long as your heart is right, she will be ok. She has her own emotions to go through. She has never known your husband with another woman besides herself. Her children are her heart and soul and you are a stranger to her. Any of us are going to watch with caution when a stranger comes near our children. Don't come in like a storm trooper. It isn't easy to share your children. Give her time to adjust and learn that you can be trusted with them. She will love them enough to put aside her own baggage for the benefit of her children. She wants her children to be treated well. She wants her children to be loved. When you hold back, you demonstrate that your stepchildren are different and won't get all of you. You will save feelings over the short term but you will never be fully trusted by your stepchildren, their mother, or your husband over the long term.


If your stepchild refuses to do dishes, don't think you are dealing with an undisciplined stepchild. See it for what it is, a child who doesn't want to do dishes. If you and your husband don't agree on discipline or responsibilities, understand that issue is between you and your husband. Don't ever see it as a problem with your stepchildren. It's not! Don't take it out on them subtly or overtly - ever!


I married my stepchildren's dad but I committed to them, too. My husband's children included his two stepdaughters from his first marriage. How many would believe that because he isn't married to their mother that his relationship with them should end? How many would make it difficult for him to keep his relationship with them? It makes me sad to think of it. They were kids. I couldn't respect my husband or trust him with my own kids if his relationship with them only ran as deep as his marriage to their mother.


I see no biology. There is nobody in my family that is more or less important or different because of who their parents are. Nobody gets the priviledge of being treated special because of their biology and nobody will be left out because of their DNA. I love my children, biological or step from the deepest part of my heart and I am better for it. This is my family. It's the family that I chose and I committed to.


I have read women that say they can't love their stepchildren. I say you have no right to be there. Leave, leave, leave before you cause any more damage than I know you already have.


I am so grateful that I didn't read all of the information out there on being a stepmom before I learned the truth.