It was August 12, 2002 when I delivered Tony; five months early and stillborn. He would be nine years old now.
Today is the first time I have cried for him in over a year.
Would he have been blond or brunette? Probably light brown and wavy. Blue eyes? Carefree and rambunctious or quiet and reflective? Tall and skinny or average height and weight? He would be in school today. Second grade.
I took out the tole painted Tony box. It's all the physical evidence I have of him. There is a note from Jen and Joe. They brought food for us but we were sleeping and they didn't want to wake us. There is a miniature quilt that was given to us at the hospital. There are little conciliatory hospital bands for his tiny wrist and ankle that he never wore. A measuring tape marking the 5" length of his body and the 4" circumference of his head. It never touched him. I never touched him.
All there is to miss about him are things that I don't know. Sometimes, I really miss those things.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I Was Born to Run
I read a book by Christopher McDougall titled Born to Run. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend it. I found it inspiring and paradigm shifting. I now believe I was born to run. It's time for me to do what I was born to do.
I bought Chia seeds. I know how important it is that I stay hydrated while running these long distances.
I looked for good shoes. Good shoes are important. Many injuries are caused by improper shoes and the contortion of your posture while in poor shoes. I have an odd size foot and had no luck finding shoes that I didn't need a second mortgage for. That was ok. I will just use one of the many pairs of shoes in my closet that I have bought through previous inspirations.
I set out for my first run.
I decided to head to the desert behind my house. I wasn't ready for my neighbors to bear witness to my first run. I also decided to hug the fences in the subdivision behind my house so my husband wouldn't watch from the back yard.
I was excited to break through the 'beast', that point that your brain kicks in begging you to stop the torture, and move into the rhythm and freedom of when your body takes over and you run like the wind. Off I went.
Wait. This wasn't working out the way I had visualized. Instead of my feet hitting the ground with a light ease - as if they had wings, there was a cloud of dust with every step as lead weights pounded the desert. Parts of my body jiggled one way as other parts bounced another. A pain shot up the top of my feet and into my shins. Instead of crying out for mercy as I could understand my calfs might do, they flat out said No! I will not do this thing you are asking me to do. My lungs shriveled into little crumpled balls as they tried to escape through my throat. I became as parched as the desert I was trying to run in. This all happened in the time it took me to run the length of two of the homes I was running behind.
I made the long quarter mile trek back home. My driveway has a slight slope that my rebellious calves were begging me to have someone throw me a rope to get up it. Let the arms do some of the work, they were screaming.
Maybe I wasn't really born to run.
©
I bought Chia seeds. I know how important it is that I stay hydrated while running these long distances.
I looked for good shoes. Good shoes are important. Many injuries are caused by improper shoes and the contortion of your posture while in poor shoes. I have an odd size foot and had no luck finding shoes that I didn't need a second mortgage for. That was ok. I will just use one of the many pairs of shoes in my closet that I have bought through previous inspirations.
I set out for my first run.
I decided to head to the desert behind my house. I wasn't ready for my neighbors to bear witness to my first run. I also decided to hug the fences in the subdivision behind my house so my husband wouldn't watch from the back yard.
I was excited to break through the 'beast', that point that your brain kicks in begging you to stop the torture, and move into the rhythm and freedom of when your body takes over and you run like the wind. Off I went.
Wait. This wasn't working out the way I had visualized. Instead of my feet hitting the ground with a light ease - as if they had wings, there was a cloud of dust with every step as lead weights pounded the desert. Parts of my body jiggled one way as other parts bounced another. A pain shot up the top of my feet and into my shins. Instead of crying out for mercy as I could understand my calfs might do, they flat out said No! I will not do this thing you are asking me to do. My lungs shriveled into little crumpled balls as they tried to escape through my throat. I became as parched as the desert I was trying to run in. This all happened in the time it took me to run the length of two of the homes I was running behind.
I made the long quarter mile trek back home. My driveway has a slight slope that my rebellious calves were begging me to have someone throw me a rope to get up it. Let the arms do some of the work, they were screaming.
Maybe I wasn't really born to run.
©
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