Tony

It was August 12, 2002 when I delivered Tony; five months early and stillborn. He would be nine years old now.

Today is the first time I have cried for him in over a year.

Would he have been blond or brunette? Probably light brown and wavy. Blue eyes? Carefree and rambunctious or quiet and reflective? Tall and skinny or average height and weight? He would be in school today. Second grade.

I took out the tole painted Tony box. It's all the physical evidence I have of him. There is a note from Jen and Joe. They brought food for us but we were sleeping and they didn't want to wake us. There is a miniature quilt that was given to us at the hospital. There are little conciliatory hospital bands for his tiny wrist and ankle that he never wore. A measuring tape marking the 5" length of his body and the 4" circumference of his head. It never touched him. I never touched him.

All there is to miss about him are things that I don't know. Sometimes, I really miss those things.