Truisms From Mom

• You don't come out of child birth looking beautiful and angelic
• It's only with the first one that you will foolishly pack your prepregnancy jeans to wear home from the hospital
• During labor, those around you will have visions of Linda Blair in the Exorcist
• If you try to bite the nurse, she will bite you back
• Newborn babies are red, wrinkly, and slimy
• Poop has velocity
• When changing baby boy diapers - keep your mouth closed
• Breast feeding a baby with new teeth is like breast feeding a pit bull
• Small children can't make the nk sound. Don't teach them the word funky
• Safety scissors cut hair
• American cheese takes paint off the wall
• Peeled and re-hidden Easter eggs become runny
• Guinea pigs suffocate when cuddled with
• Kids think snot tastes good
• If they say asshole in public - pretend they asked for an apple
• If you lock your keys and your two year old in the car - the two year old can't help
• If you're in a restaurant and your child is suddenly chewing gum but you didn't bring gum - it came from under the table